Going with Your Gut (Part 1)

School has a very specific way of imparting knowledge to students – read this book, listen to this lecture, or watch this film.  Learning comes from experts.  You want to know something?  Look it up.  There is bound to be someone smarter than you who has already figured out the answer to your problem.

Probably because I’ve attended too much school in my life, I reflexively used this “defer to the experts” methodology to answer my infinite number of parenting related questions.  It definitely wasn’t hard to find answers, lots of answers.  A quick Google search will result in thousands of books, documentaries, articles, blog posts, etc. on any parent subject, but it doesn’t take much in depth research to realize that there is absolutely no consensus on any topic.  There are thousands of answers to every question, but each new “expert” contradicts the other. What is a new Dad to do? 

One easy way to solve this problem of conflicting answers is to subscribe to one expert or “camp” of experts that all espouse a similar set of views.  This makes it easy.  Questions such as “should we co-sleep with our baby?” or “is baby signing worth the time?” or “should we have scheduled nap times?” can be answered by referring to your expert.  No further thinking or research required.  (Interestingly, I’ve noticed a strong tie between political ideology and “parenting camps” that share opinions on these commonly asked parenting questions.  Who do you think is more likely to co-sleep with their baby – liberals or conservatives?)

I spent several months searching for “my” expert or “baby raising ideology”.  I wanted a one-stop-shop for all my answers, so I wouldn’t have to research the pros and cons of every decision we would have to make as parents.  I did find a few books I liked, and I kept them by the bedside waiting for the day when Jess and I would rush off to the birthing center.

The first few days as a father were a blur.  Wonderful, joyous, exhausting, and blurry.  Jess and I spent most of our time staring at our creation and worrying about this or that, or trying to find something to worry about.  I was sure that constant worry was a sign of a good Dad.  Eventually, after a few weeks of needless worry, I slowly began to relax.  We had a perfectly healthy, vibrant baby boy.  It was then that I realized that the parenting books on the bedside had gathered dust.  I wasn’t referring to them constantly, or at all, because Jess and I were making decisions ourselves with the help of Jess’ knowledgeable and always helpful mother (Thanks Marg!).  Decisions not based on books, but on family discussions.   We realized that when it comes to day-to-day issues (not the case for serious medical issues), we are the experts.  We are expert at raising our baby because we love him more than anything in the world and will naturally do our best to keep him happy and healthy. We come from an unbroken chain of successful parents stretching back to the dawn of humanity and we know our unique baby better than anyone else could.  There is still a lot for us to learn from others, but we should trust ourselves over any “expert”. 

It is no surprise that people seek out experts and rely on them for advice on how to raise their children.  Our educational system teaches us that we seek answers from those who know more than us.  More disturbing is the belief that there is a right and a wrong way to raise a child.  Americans are given a lot of leeway when it comes to how they live their lives, but if you veer even a little out of the mainstream with your child, you are at risk of being burned at the stake of public opinion.  The American Academy of Pediatrics, which is by most standards a very helpful and knowledgeable body, gives very strict guidelines on many areas of raising children.  This isn’t considered just one opinion, but the correct way to raise babies. Parents are quick to judge other parents, especially those that don’t automatically accept the conventional wisdom.

The truth is that here are many, many different ways to care for a baby.   Of course there are also ways that parents can unwittingly harm babies, and it is important that everyone be educated about those issues, but the range of variation in how babies can be raised is much more vast than most Americans realize.  In fact, we have a lot to learn from other cultures’ child rearing practices.  My next post will be about cultural variability in raising babies, which will give me a much needed opportunity to try to recall what I learned in the Intercultural Youth Development program.   

My intent for these posts is not to weigh in on any of the controversial “should you or shouldn’t you . . .” parenting questions, but rather to suggest that there is not one right way to raise a baby.  Each family needs to learn about their unique baby and find a solution that works for their family.  For our family, moving to Taiwan was a great solution to the problem of staying financially afloat while having time to spend with Abel.  Do I think that is a good solution for every other young couple that has a baby? Of course not.  Just don’t be afraid to think outside the box and do what you feel is right, even if it isn’t promoted by an expert.  You are the expert on your baby.